Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
