you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
