I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
