a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
