I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
