i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
do nipples grow back?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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