I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
