The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
