i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
