6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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