I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
