In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
