Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
