I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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