I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
