I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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