You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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