I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
