i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize