I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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