I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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