new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
