So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
