I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
