Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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