I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize