mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
