glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
