I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
