It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize