We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
After tacos, we're chasing women.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
