In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
They have beer where we have blood.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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