Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
