i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
