onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
