You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
