Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
