i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
