I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
