Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
