I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
