Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
