I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
But theres a keg here and me gusta
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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