If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
