I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
