i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
