I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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