i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
