I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I had to cum in my sink.
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