youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
