Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
