I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
