I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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