Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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