How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
