I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
