Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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