I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
