If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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