Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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