I accidentally had phone sex last night
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
