My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize