i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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